Sunday, April 16, 2006

distracting myself from easter

I have been keeping myself busy because there's been a lot to do this weekend. When I finally sat down Saturday afternoon after a day and a half of flat out kid-wrangling, errand-running, housecleaning, entertaining, pickle-arranging, syllable-balancing and newt-registering, I fell asleep reading the newspaper. The thing is, I wasn't really tired, I was escaping from thinking.

Thing is, I miss my sister terribly right now. Almost as much as the day I said goodbye to her in September. That day all I could see was a vision of 700+ days before I could hug her or laugh with her or probably even hear her voice again. It was an awfully sad day. Now I'm missing her because we always have Easter together and it's Easter now and we're not together.

So being the person I am, I have simply jumped to my favourite coping mechanism which is busy-busy-sleep. I guess it's better than getting drunk or violent or depressed, but it's still not dealing with the problem. So here I am blogging it, and feeling very sad, but also knowing that admitting that I feel sad will help me really feel it and own it and be okay with it.

We have been enjoying a very nice Easter weekend, but I wish I was in Barb and Kim's little kitchen in Cranbrook, cooking up something huge and tasty, or walking by a lake somewhere or cooking ourselves in the hot spring, or killing ourselves laughing over a home-made game of family balderdash. My nephew Lukas is the funniest balderdash player you have ever met.

I guess this is a lightweight version of what people must feel when they have lost a loved one permanently, and a special day rolls around, making them remember what they'd be doing if their loved one was still living. Good thing is, Barb and Kim and Maya and Lukas and Simon will come home and we'll catch up and be together again. This is temporary.

Love is a gift that is sometimes hard to carry. I am blessed to have reason to feel so sad.

question: are you missing someone this holiday?

mompoet - going now to hug my loved ones who are here with me at Easter

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