Sunday, March 02, 2008

tender

Life has been busy, with lots of calls to be flexible, understanding and accommodating. We all do all of these things every day with barely a thought. Sometimes it catches up with us.

Friday in cycle class, the instructor was spurring us on to pedal harder and faster by offering a visualization: "Now imagine there's someone who your really want to see, just at the top of the hill. Go for it! Catch up with that person!" I immediately thought of my sister and began to cry. I did catch up with her though, and visualized a high plateau ride together through range country.

Spending the weekend with the family is an exercise in shifting gears, coming and going, doing chores and fun things, rushing and relaxing. There's lots of discussion about who wants what and what we do next. Several times I found my feelings hurt by benign comments that I just took the wrong way.

At church this morning I was one of the first up for communion. We sing softly while everyone takes their turn. "Eat this bread, drink this wine, come with me and never be hungry. Eat this bread, drink this wine, trust in me and your will never thirst." Again, I cried.

I wondered, "What's going on?" I realised that there are a few things: Alex is heading into his grad time. Exams, college application, summer job. I know he'll be fine, but I still worry some about how he'll weather this time of change and challenge. I want him to enjoy it, and feel optimistic and confident, even though I know it's natural for him to be afraid. Fiona's "Peter Pan" opens on the weekend. She's ready and excited, but I'm thinking past the beginning to the end and knowing there will be an element of sadness and let-down for all of us when it is over. Andy is focussed on preparations for his job as Assistant Stage Manager with the show, but it has resulted in a demanding and conflicting schedule with little couple time to catch up and connect this weekend. For me, I'm feeling sad about our Minister's recent decision to leave our church at the end of June to pursue a powerful call from God to do something different. He's not running from us, but to something else. Still, it feels like he broke up with us somehow. I respect and care for him, so I am glad he is following this call, but I feel let down and a bit lost.

It's my nature to always crane my neck and look farther up the road. For every hurt or sadness, there is a counter-action. I may get to see my sister at Easter, if her family's plan to find an inexpensive last minute Cuban vacation does not come to reality. If they're home, we'll drive to their home (about 12 hours from our home) and visit for the weekend. As far as my easily-hurt feelings, I have thought about a few conversations (with people than other than family members) that have left me feeling diminished. I am prepared to respond next time in a manner that will help me express my feelings better so I don't carry away the weight of a negative exchange. As for the church, we will survive, and possibly be stronger. We will always have a friend in Tim, and we will find and love a new minister who will take his place.

Before I hop on my bike and pedal towards the sun, I know I have to look the sources of my sadness in the eye and accept that I have them with me now. Then I can drop them off, trade them in, reframe them to things I want with me for the long ride.

question: are you bouncy or tender today?

mompoet - definitely delicate

3 comments:

Muhd Imran said...

I'm sorry you feel a little down today.

All the things that you are feeling actually has a positive outcome... hidden somewhere for the moment and will spring into happiness when time comes.

Your children have bright futures ahead of them because they came from wonderful family with parents like yourself and your other half.

Your Sis and her family will definitely be happy if their dream vacation comes true. Be happy for them. They know you love them and they miss you too. Would be great if your family were to join them?

You've made a wonderful bond with your Minister, you will definitely have room for a new one. He will be lucky to have you guys.

I like your "paddle to the sun... drop them off, trade them in, re-frame for the things" you want for the long ride. That is positive. That is you.

Wonderful post. I am happy today after yesterday's wonderful outing.

Kristene said...

This weekend I was prickly, then, bouncy, and now more on the tender side...but in an introspective, absorbent way.

Sometimes I wonder, am I the only person who deconstructs her emotions and thoughts so intensively? I'm glad to see I am not.

Savour the tenderness it is the well from which your rich imagination and empathy springs.

Lynn Valley Girl said...

Funny thing is MP is I am swimming upstream as well with so many conflicting feelings as children grow and change continues in our lives. After reading your post, I don't feel so alone in my feelings.