Tuesday, August 30, 2005

love cascade

So I've been wondering why I have not written any poetry all summer and I think maybe I know the reason (er excuse?)...It's love and worry. I think if I wrote a poem I might explode or just cry for a few days or laugh hysterically so I'm holding back until I'm feeling less intensely everything about everything then I'll write. I'll write buckets. It's in there - just way to much to let out at the moment.

My major concern is that my sister and her family are leaving for Africa in just one week. They'll come into town tomorrow for "final shopping for appropriate clothing to wear in a Muslim country," and some visiting before they go. Then they will be in Africa for 1 or 2 years, depending on how it goes. I'm happy that they are doing something that they want to do, but I will miss them so much I don't even want to think about it right now. I know I'll get used to it, and we'll all learn how to write letters again but...mmmph.

And the other thing is Andy's work stress. Big huge gigantic busy movie summer, lots of wear and tear on everyone at work and wacky scheduling. He missed our camping trip and I miss him and when he's here he's tired and preoccupied, and I know it's like this when work gets busy and I'm not always sweet, serene, available and focussed myself but....mmmmmmphhh!

Also the end of the summer at my day camp and working with the best team of leaders I've had around in a long time. They've been so good at their work of course but what I've appreciated the most is how much joy they have taken in the children this summer, and in working with each other. Heck, they were leg-wrestling in Robson Square on Saturday night after the staff dinner and before the bowling. It's not always like that, you know. So I said good-bye and good luck to them on Monday and we locked up the shed and put the bows and arrows in safe storage for the winter, and I'm going to miss them too. At work, summer is important and intense then it's over. I served them up a picnic lunch at the park with a tablecloth and home-made pickles and I made them all cards, then they gave me a huge bouquet of flowers and an even nicer and funnier card with a photograph of me doing my Cousin It impersonation, and also a gift certificate for the Hart House. I felt overwhelmed by these expressions of their regard for me and for our summer together. And I'm going to miss them...mmmmmph!

And it's a bunch of other stuff too - daughter's anticipation and wonderful performance in the PNE talent show, school starting, festival and other events approaching, all good but challenging, surely too much transition for the tablespoon-sized coping centre of my brain.

Then I won the poetry slam Monday night and everyone said nice things to me and I get to be in the finals next week to try out for the second Vancouver team at the Canadian Festival of Spoken Word and it's just about more than I know what to do with at this particular time.

Oh, also, the gym is closed for maintenance. I know, I can go to another gym or go for a walk, but right now I would really like to kick my very own bike #29 into orbit for about an hour or so. Gym re-opens on Tuesday. I'll be there.

So, I am not going to have a drink or eat a bunch of chocolate, and I will not watch stupid tv and I will not bake or clean something (all typical panic responses when I feel overwhelmed). I will try to reflect and let it all wash over me, this over-the-top happy and over-the-top sad. I will go to church on Sunday (I've been in summer mode, sleeping in or going away on weekends) because I always find courage there.

And I will not write a poem. Not right away. But when I do, later, watch out. It might be a tsunami.

question: ever had some sum that's too much more than its parts?

mompoet - exceeding my limit and trusting that I won't tip over

1 comment:

Carol said...

I am working on trying to make everything add up at the end of the day.