Thursday, June 04, 2009

helpful household hints (if you love your toes)

1. Do not talk on the phone and load the dishwasher at the same time. It is inconsiderate to the person who called you (he or she knows you are loading the dishwasher because of the clanking and your inattentive responses), AND it is hazardous.

2. When the sink has water and dishes in it, and you are trying to take the dishes out of the sink and put them into the dishwasher AND talk on the phone, empty the water from the sink before removing the dishes. Fishing around in slippery water for knives and forks is foolish, reckless and perilous.

3. Flatware and utensils go eating/cutting side UP in the cutlery rack. If your mother taught you "business end down," she was just wrong. I know this. My mother is perfect in every way. That is why I am perfect in most ways, particularly in respect to knowing how to properly load the dishwasher. (Please note: knowing and doing are not always the same.)

4. Do not run with scissors unless you are in a scissors relay race.

5. Wear a helmet and safety gloves when loading the dishwasher.

6. Steak knives are small and lightweight, but every bit as deadly as machetes or chainsaws, when handled without proper care and attention.

7. While you are talking on the phone and loading the dishwasher and swishing your hands around in old sink water and finding cutlery to place sharp end up in the dishwasher rack, allow yourself a maximum of 4 pieces of cutlery per grab. Remember, the word cutlery includes the word "cut" for a reason. It includes the word "lery" for no reason whatsoever.

8. Cutlery that has just been removed from slippery sink water is slippery cutlery.

9. When a steak knife falls, its acceleration is equal to the acceleration of a falling feather or a falling cannonball.

10. If you drop a feather on your foot. It does not hurt.

11. It is ridiculous to imagine dropping a cannonball on your foot. Nobody would be so silly as to lift a cannonball over his or her foot.

12. When you are talking on the phone and loading the dishwasher and lifting slippery cutlery sharp side down from the slippery sink water with your slippery hands, and you drop a steak knife, wear closed-toed shoes.

13. A steak knife, dropped from a slippery hand, onto an unprotected foot, will most certainly find its way, pointy side down, to the spot just between the big toe and second toe. This hurts substantially more than dropping a feather on the same part of the foot. Also, a feather does not cause bleeding.

14. Keep bandaids near your dishwasher at all times.

question: did you every throw a knife at your own foot?

mompoet - just call me "limpy the kitchen dork."


Mompoet's dad said...

Though your mother is perfect in *almost* every way, one of her imperfections is that she prefers that I not wear my shoes in the house. As the dishwasherunloader, now that I've read your helpful household hints I'm breaking this rule, at least while unloading the cutlery rack.

Hope you heal fast. But I laughed and laughed when I read your report.

Mompoet's dad

Muhd Imran said...

Very good hints and actually more of a warning than anything else because it made me all nerves as I read and the trademark question at the end of post "... throw a knife at your feet" sounded painful!

Hope you heal fast. Take care.

Lynn Valley Girl said...

Points taken and while laughing might I add. I wonder though, where would one actually find a cannon ball. I think I can find a feather. And I will always remember that unloading the dishwasher while talking on the phone in inconsiderate. But it certainly makes the tedious chore bearable.

Cathy said...

Ouch .. okay I did laugh too .. but still got the ouch part!

mompoet said...

Thanks you guys! My toe-notch is now healed, and I'm still loading the dishwasher barefoot, but trying not to talk on the phone while doing so.