Sunday, January 05, 2014

looking ahead

At church today we celebrated the first Communion of 2014, and our minister talked about the road ahead of us. We gave thanks for the old year, and expressed hope for the new year. Our minister said, "Life is good."

There are some years I would be happy to live all over again. Last year was not one. Sure, there were lots of happy days, and I wouldn't ask for a do-over on any of the things I did, but it was a hard year. The stories are not ones I want to share here, but suffice to say, I had lots of experiences. I have felt challenged to pull out all of my energy and love and faith and to be more brave than I think I have ever been. And it has all turned out okay...better than okay in some cases.

I have learned a lot this year. I appreciate more than ever the love, support and down-to-earth goodness of those closest to my heart. I have people who love me more than I can explain or understand, and I love them with a depth and passion that is indelible and infinite.

My regrets this year: I have stopped writing and reading almost entirely, and have seen few plays, movies and concerts. It's like I am so full up with other people's stories that I have set my own aside, and barely have energy to consider stories in literature or performance. Real life drama has a way of eclipsing creativity and appreciation of creativity, at least for me. I have been distracted, forgetful and impatient. I have been called upon to be kind, patient and generous, and I think I have lived up to all that has been required, but I feel depleted and distant, going through the motions sometimes.

My hopes for this year: I have been treating myself with tenderness this fall, resting more and being conscious of my own limitations and needs. I am hoping to move into a time of greater energy. I want to rekindle my creative spark. During the past year, I have deepened my relationships with close friends and relatives. I am looking forward to continuing my engagement with those who I love. I want to see the fruit of these connections in good times together and shared enjoyment of the blessings of everyday life.

Everyday life is what I crave the most. Ordinary days. It's coming soon in the church calendar, and hopefully also in real life. For now, I am uncurling, stretching and blinking in the sunlight, wiggling my toes. I want to write poems about pigeons and sandwiches and mud puddles. I want to wake up completely curious about what will happen next. I want to read novels and cry through the last 3 pages as I leave a delicious, imaginary world of someone else's creation.

Through it all, I know that I am the same me who galloped into 2013. I am depleted but not diminished. Everything that I know myself to be is still right here. Coming soon, to a theatre near you, mompoet, the continuation of a long and mostly happy story.

question: did you ever have a year that kicked you in the butt?

mompoet - alive and kicking, and grateful to be here

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