Wednesday, November 18, 2009

flue clinic updates

Note to all people who are alive, but not yet vaccinated: the public health authority has declared flue shots will be available to an expanded eligibility list.

Please read the important information below to determine if you can get the flue shot this week.

H1N1 Immunization is now available to the following people:
  • children over the age of 37 months and under the age of 643 months who have not yet learned to play the harmonica OR if they do play the harmonica, who do not know how to inline skate
  • aunts and uncles who buy loud, battery-operated toys for children under the age of 37 months
  • adults under 65 years of age who are scared
  • adults 65 years and older who have an odd number of tattoos and body piercings (combined) NOTE: for these purposes, zero is considered an even number. NOTE: 3, 5, 7 and 9 are excluded.
  • adults who know how to spell the word asthma, or if they do not know how to spell asthma, who know how to spell the word fuchsia. NOTE: spelling tests will be held 30 minutes prior to clinic opening.
Seasonal Flue immunizations (formerly knows as "the flue shot") is now available to the following people:
  • people over the age of 65 who do not have middle names
  • people under the age of 65 but over the age of 91 months, who have hyphenated surnames
  • people who love too much
  • people with confirmed allergies to sudoku, agnosticism and/or mediation
  • ringette players
  • anarchists
Please note: anyone who has already received the H1N1 vaccination may come in for a seasonal flu shot despite the fact that the H1N1 virus is the seasonal flu (this season). A special booth will be set up at each clinic for patients who wish to argue semantics with a registered nurse.

Please note: a fine of $500 to $14,982 will be levied on anyone convicted of arguing with a registered nurse.

Please note: the nurse is doing the best she/he can. Do not argue with him/her - it will not register anyway.

To find the location of the nearest flue immunization clinic in your neighbourhood, drive up and down the street until you see a long lineup. Be sure to bring your Care Card, a healthy snack and a paint smock. We will be painting a mural while you wait in the lineup.

If you have questions about H1N1 or the seasonal flue, please tune in your local news and read group emails to accelerate your level of hysteria. Please talk with your family physician to dispel your hysteria. Please call the provincial Health Link Line to receive a recorded message that call volume is too high to even queue your call.

If you can speall queue, you go to the front of the queue.

Wash your hands. Sneeze into your elbow. Do not lick the handles on the bus.

That is all.

question: have you been immunized?

mompoete - oops - just flunked the spelling teste

7 comments:

Lynn Valley Girl said...

That's almost how my doctor's voice message sounds on their machine!

Fiona said...

Mom, a "flue" is a chimney. There is no vaccine that protects from them as far as I know.

Love Fi
(who used to get help from Mompoet on spelling tests)

Pearl said...

marvelous!

apple said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
mompoet said...

thanks friends! I am feeling muche beter.

mp

Lazy Daisy said...

Wow, it's so nice to hear "the voice of reason" when it comes to medical decisions. Too funny!

Anonymous said...

basted on my spelling abilitee ... I got the shot today! tomorough I think my arm might be a bit soar, but at least I won't get the flue!

Easthill Ladee