less for the world and more just for me - for a while (a blog sabbatical)

I realised on Sunday that it has been 3 months since I wrote Artist's Way morning pages. I also realised that I halted my progression through the Artist's Way program at precisely the same spot where I halted last time I tried the program. Since reading this same chapter earlier in the year, I have studiously avoided morning pages, exercises and artist's dates. I skipped out on the last group meeting and even went so far as to lose (or perhaps bury) my copy of the book. This can't be a coincidence, so I looked for clues.

The chapter upon which I stopped is, interestingly, the shortest chapter in the book, and in some ways the simplest, at least so far (I could not tell you about chapters 8-12). My stumbling block chapter is Recovering a Sense of Connection. It deals with

• listening (to the inner voice and the world around me)
• perfectionism (as a cruel self-censor)
• risk (as something we take when we dare to just do it and not worry what people will think)
• jealousy (as a map of what we really want, and a guide to what to do about it)

The chapter did not stop me. I stopped when I read it. I think I did not want to risk moving forward. What a dope! (I thought) Do I think I will flunk the Artist's Way? (well, maybe) Maybe I am all tangled up in perfectionism, afraid to risk going with my creative impulse, worried about the audience when I could be listening to what it is I have to say, then going and doing something with it.

I also haven't been writing stories or poetry. I have this bottled-up frustrated feeling like so much wants to come out. But when I sit down to write, I erase and erase. I catch whisps of inspiration but when I jot them down and look at them later, they seem hollow and stupid.

I have decided to give myself some time to be stupid, stinky, meaningless and clumsy. I will write morning pages and poems and stories and writing exercises. I will dare to be awful and crappy and inane and redundant and silly and lopsided. I will do this by writing only for myself for the next three weeks. That includes my blog, and my facebook page. I'll still check in and read, but I won't publish anything for anybody. All of my writing will be for me. That way it can be as awful as it wants to be, and it won't matter. I won't need to re-read, rewrite, think about what people will think. I'll just write.

So I'll say goodbye for now until August 4. If I get itching to indicate what I'm up to, I may post a photo (I am not blocked for photography), but no words.

Thanks for your understanding my blog friends. Please return in August. In the meantime if you're thinking of me, send me an email or phone me, or write something really awful and mail it to me, just to reassure me that I am not alone in my muddle.

Here goes. 3...2...1...gone

question: will you think of me fondly?

mompoet - going to listen and be brave and awful for 3 weeks

ps I borrowed a copy of The Artist's Way from the library - HAH!!!